Divorce is ugly. Sometimes it is inevitable whether or not it is excusable. Sometimes there is sexual infidelity, physical abuse, or something similar that causes irrevocable destruction. My parents are divorced. One set of my grandparents are divorced. My wife’s parents are divorced. I know it is common, yet I think we are sometimes too accommodating.
Many wedding vows mention that there are “witnesses” present. We are witnesses before a forming covenant between two people. These people pledge in front of us that they will remain together until they die. They say things like “for better or worse” and “for richer or poorer” and “in sickness and in health”. We are the legal guardians of this contract if ever put into dispute.
Yet I wonder how many of us have attended a wedding, played the role of witness, then heard this or that couple was contemplating divorce. Often we think, “Oh, that is sad.” We don’t think they should do it, but we excuse ourselves saying, “They are adults. It is their lives.”
Wait. Why did we attend their wedding? Did we go to the ceremony like we go to a movie theater? Is it some form of entertainment with a reception to follow?
I thought we were playing the role of potential jurors. When one party breaks the contract we are there to declare a violation has taken place. Do we ever do this?
Thus far I have not been to any weddings where the couple has decided to move toward divorce. I hope that this is ever the case I will have the guts to point out the covenant violation. Yes, marriage is between a man and a woman, but it is also in front of the community before their eyes as well as the eyes of God. It is a covenant we witness. I think we are obligated to take this role seriously, but sadly I don’t think we do.
What do you think? What is our role as witnesses to a marriage covenant when its existence is threatened by divorce? Would you challenge the offending couple?
the archives near Emmaus 
It seems in your post Brian that you seem to think couples going through divorce; do so lightly, without considering the covenant and vows they made before God and witness’s.
I have divorced and remarried. Going through a divorce and making the decision to divorce was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever had to make. The biggest anguish for myself was in breaking the vows before God; something I had taken seriously.
I remember the morning I sat on the back steps of the house and said to God; “Father, I have no choice but to divorce my wife; I can’t handle it any more..” The following pastoral advice was that we were in a covenant and that God did not want us to divorce… therefore don’t do it. My cries about the ongoing abuse were not heard; which empowered my then wife to up the ante…
All in all it has been one of the most life shattering experiences I have gone through; even though it has brought about a different dimension of healing, grace, mercy and life direction.
@Craig: I am not saying that at all. I am not saying everyone who goes through a divorce does it without grief. That is why I intentionally mentioned my own experience around divorce within my family. I know there are times when it just falls apart.
On the other hand, I know a young lady who has been married a little over a year who is “bored” and she has separated from her husband, moved into a new apartment, and she is planning a divorce because her husband isn’t interesting. In situations like this it is just plain shameful. These are the situations upon which I am focusing.
I don’t know your situation so I can’t speak to it. But not all divorces are equal. Some are really selfish and in those situations the people need to be held accountable.
Your clarification is noted and agreed with … I agree in regards to the thrust of you post about living within community. I truly believe that what you say also begins with the dating / marriage process. How many people do you know, who have been given counsel not to marry or questioned on the wisdom in doing so?
You can read my story here; http://mencanbeabusedtoo.wordpress.com/my-story-part-1/
@Craig: This is true. It is not something that should begin at marriage only. Sometimes couples are not good at going through the whole process in community, but the ceremony is a starting point where most make that commitment.
i don’t think people take all that too seriously anymore – we just go to watch and eat the food afterward, no? 🙂
I have pretty much decided to only marry couples I know (not walk ins) and Christians. Sounds harsh but I really feel the sacrament of marriage has been lost.
Great thoughts Brian. They sound like the musings of a pastor….
Interestingly about the sacrament of wedding vows; Luther said that the church had no right to get involved in the wedding process; as it was an issue for the state, not the church. The Roman church sanctioned in 15oo’s that the church had be involved in the wedding process… with the involvement of a tax of course… under the reformation this practice was abolished till 1756 when the laws were passed in the house of Lords that once again the church had to be involved in a wedding for the marriage to be valid….
In light of the historical nature of the practice of the church being involved in the marriage process, a lot of what we take for granted as being Godly; is in fact more cultural tradition…
As a pastor I believe your approach is the sensible one Mark; yet I have also seen walk in enquirers become part of the church after doing a compulsory Christianity explained course as part of the wedding preparation….
yes, the musings of a pastor indeed. 🙂 Brian I did not mean to be crass with my last comment I just wonder if while there is strong theological and ethical support for those attending the wedding to be witnesses and such few fully intend to keep the couple honest – maybe some do, most others may not. I was in a friends wedding, they had BIG problems a few years in, by the time anyone found out it was too late, the marriage was over and they divorced – they didn’t involve anyone – so how could we keep them accountable?
@Brian F.: There will be situations where there is nothing we can do about it. If a couple becomes an island unto themselves, and that island is overcome by the floods of life, we can’t help them. There will be those times where it happens to fast for us to say anything.
In part, I am thinking of the many situations where I have heard of people knowing that one or the other within a couple plans on dissolving the marriage for trivial reasons yet no one challenges them. For some they feel it is not their business. For others they feel like being a good friend is being supportive no matter what the offense. These are the times when I think we need to reevaluate our role in the life of such couples asking ourselves if maybe we should do more than watch passively.
@Mark: Theology is pastoral, right?! I agree. The sacrament of marriage is something we evangelical types need to recover.
Agreed.
I believe that all invited guests at a wedding have this responsibility to function fully as a witness. The lack of interjection to a divorce actually fuels it. If the majority of witnesses who did not respond negatively to marriage banns show their objection to a divorce…then they are true witnesses. I know of witnesses at a wedding who have caused divorce by being sexually involved with a person they witnesses for. The role of witnesses needs to be fully understood. I look with bewilderment at Christians who do nothing when God’s foundations are being destroyed!