Today is the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. I decided to read some of his writings this week (with the 21st being the federal holiday in his honor), so I began with a book from which I have read large portions before today that I enjoyed. Yet the quotation that I want to ponder is not one I enjoy, so I chose to share it, because my reaction to Dr. King’s words were more defensive than usual. Let me share the quote, then I will tell you why I reacted less favorably that usual, then you can tell me your thoughts in the comments:
“Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning. It is the lifting of a burden or the cancelling of a debt. The words ‘I will forgive you, but I’ll never forget what you’ve done’ never explain the real nature of forgiveness. Certainly one can never forget, if that means erasing it totally from his mind. But when we forgive, we forget in the sense that the evil deed is no longer a mental block impeding a new relationship. Likewise, we can never say, ‘I will forgive you, but I won’t have anything further to do with you.’ Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man can love his enemies. The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies.”[1]
Now, I know Dr. King is addressing the love of enemies. I have at least one relationship of which I am conscious that would be challenged by Dr. King, but I don’t consider the person to be an enemy. Rather, I consider this person to be someone who after many years and many attempts at relationship showed disinterest over and over again. So, over time, I decided that if that person did not want to invest in the relationship then I wasn’t going to worry myself any longer, and I quit trying. Honestly, I haven’t missed the person at all. Then I heard from a couple sources that this person has complained about my unwillingness to have anything to do with them, which I found ironic.
If I were pastoring or counseling, and I saw someone being hurt time and time again, I would tell them that one can forgive that person while also putting themselves in a place to avoid further physical or emotional abuse. Whether it was the child of an abusive parent, or the ex-spouse of a scorned lover, it has been my conviction that one can come to a place where one loves that person, prays for that person, hopes the best for that person, and honestly can say that day-to-day there is no hatred manifesting in their hearts or anger in their emotions, yet (!) this person knows that it is best for their well-being and the well-being of the abuser if contact is minimalized, if not ended altogether. It seems to me that Dr. King’s vision of true forgiveness wouldn’t allow for this.
Now, I know Dr. King’s words aren’t timeless. He was a man with a context writing to an audience who shared that context. Much like reading the Gospels or the Pauline Epistles one wonders what Jesus or Paul may have said if someone raised their hand after a discourse on something like loving one’s enemy, turning the other cheek, or something far more practical like divorce, and asked, “What if my child is in danger?” or “What is my spouse sexually abuses my children?” Would Jesus and Paul have altered their answers? If Dr. King was given several hypothetical situations would he stand by his statement’s seemingly universal declaration on forgiveness? I don’t know, but for the sake of discussion tell me your thoughts. What do you think about Dr. King’s statement on real forgiveness? Can one forgive without full reconciliation?
[1] Martin Luther King, Jr., “Loving your enemies” in Strength to Love (Philadelphia: Fortess Press, 1981), 51.
the archives near Emmaus 
Yes, I would say one can forgive without reconciliation. I have a graduate degree in counseling/psychotherapy (actually christian counseling), and I’m not currently practicing, but I would not counsel anyone that they must be reconciled in the sense of having a relationship with someone in order to forgive. But I guess this discussion begs the question, what did Dr. King mean by “I won’t have anything further to do with you.” and “Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again.” Maybe you have nothing to do with the person in the sense that you do not see, talk to, communicate with the person, but maybe you have something to do with the person, maybe you have come together and reconciled with the person, by hoping the best for the person, praying (however you define that) for the person, communicating your fogiveness for the person at one time, etc.
It is hard to know whether Dr. King has something in mind that went beyond his words. I agree with you that there has to be better ways to move forward in forgiving someone than exposing one’s self to a toxic relationship. I think it may be unfair to the perpetrator as well. If Person A has a tendency to hurt Person B, then Person B may be doing good to Person A by creating space and distance, removing what seems to be an obstacle to Person A’s well-being since Person A cannot function in the presence of Person B without digression.
I think you hit it spot on. I view real forgiveness the same way… with certain practical limitations for ongoing relationship. And I think you are gracious and proper in granting Dr. King a bit of leeway for context. In counseling work I had to deal with the kinds of situations you describe… one of the toughest human challenges is getting forgiveness “right” and in balance with appropriate boundaries, and it is vital to mental/emotional/spiritual health.
It is tough. It is hard to know where wise forgiveness ends and self-justified bitterness begins. In that sense, MLK’s words are helpful to make us stop and think. Maybe that was his goal?
Reminds me of this film: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/As_We_Forgive
I haven’t seen the movie. Do you recommend it?
Hey Brian. Great post… got me thinking much and applying a lot from a book I’m working through called Exclusion & Embrace by Miroslav Volf. Anyways, I wrote out some thoughts on my blog… temporaryvisitors.wordpress.com… not very good citing, but it’ll do. I think that forgiveness and that call to love our enemies… and how we reconcile and “forget” is something that I had to wrestle with much recently in my own personal life. In this process, I really had to wrestle with it through the Gospel and there I found much peace and the ability to interact with the perpetrator in such a way that was wholesome and encouraging despite the hurt that was experienced recently. Creating space and what not is no different from what anybody else would counsel… and I think that what the Gospel avails us is an option of true healing and erasure of the hurt. Perhaps I am naive and others may disagree, but it was in the work Gospel that I found the space to reconcile and to heal and to be restored. Anyways, Dr. King’s words are good and I think that he’s on to something, but I think that it is impossible otherwise for one to be able to reconcile a relationship otherwise.
Helicon
Would you find any situations where it might be best, if not ideal, for people to go their separate ways, even if this means a forgiveness that isn’t quite what one wants it to be? Again, my example of a person who is physically abused by a spouse. It may be that the abuser cannot quit the abuse. What hope does that abused have? Can we find analogy in Paul saying that the wife of the unbelieving husband who has left her is free because of her abandonment?
Great question…I do believe that in my own words… that I saw that this would be your next question haha… I think ultimately our first pursuit is one of engagement… to enter and to create space for that healing… that each has a role to play in a Godly relationship to bring about this change… this is that dignity and blessing of being aware of the roles we are called to play, but in your circumstance, as I shared this past weekend to my church… what happens when you have a crazy parent? and you are a believing child (I preached from Ephesians 6:1-9)… ? I think that we are to commit our very best effort to reconciliation and to acquiesce unless it leads us to sin. If that leads us to sin, then we have to refuse… but with hearts that our mourning their unsavedness and their need to know God’s love and grace; it is not to be legalistic, and yet to maneuver in such a way that we honor Him first but also are able to obey our parents. At the same time, I would never encourage one to remain in an abusive relationship that is causing them so much pain and struggle.
Are you talking about 1 Cor. 7? I wrestle with this passage because what follows then in the latter half other passage is Paul’s turn to call the reader to live as one is called. It is in remaining in one’s condition that one now has an opportunity to transcend the way of the world and to ultimately find yourself under the ultimate headship of God. It is through that we may have an opportunity to powerfully testify of Him over all things by our choice and interactions with that mindset. <– when I write this though, Brian I realize I am also completely speaking from a very distant perspective from your friend that you are considering. I realize that perhaps not all are at a point capable to handle or to act in such a way; this is not a knock on their decisions, but just what I'm thinking. In the midst of the pain and struggle of abuse, nothing is ever so easy or clear; and so I wouldn't presume to say that my words are easy to follow.
long story short I think we are always called first to seek reconciliation and restoration… but in the reality of life… some relationships are best to give space and time. i would challenge those that i am talking to be ever prayerful for the other, and to always seek opportunities to reconcile the relationship…maybe not just now. Our natural desire and instinct is to turn away and to cast judgment and bitterness towards the other… but i believe that as one that lives in Christ… we have an opp. to break away from the standard operating procedure of the world… the most powerful way through our shared experience in Christ. Perhaps I'm an optimist… and ignorant… but that should be our first desire, i think. 😉
I agree that reconciliation is ideal. Likewise, I would add that if someone has the strength to make space for this reconciliation, then it should be considered. That said, even if not ideal, I think there are times when the option is not the ideal. At best, the option is space and distance. In some sense one might argue that in our age, with internet and quick travel, we are demanding something not necessitated by human existence, even at the time of Jesus and Paul. Did Paul reconcile with Barnabas? I am sure he wanted to do so, but we have to evidence that he did, and life as lived created space rather than continual discord between the two. This may be analogous to my suggestion that it may be wiser at times to seek this space and distance because in reality the option isn’t forgiveness + reconciliation, but rather forgiveness + abuser being tempted to abuse and abused reaggravating past injuries and insults.
I should qualify that my situation isn’t severe. There is no physical or sexual abuse. Nothing that extreme, but there is healthy distance based on past attempted at relationship that we soured. Personally, I think Paul’s excommunication of an abusive member of the Corinthian congregation (the man sleeping with his father’s wife) is a good example of how we are allowed to separate from people who refuse to show signs of repentance. Whether this applies when someone claims to be interested in reconciliation (even if there is no evidence of sincerity) is debatable.
Well put, and I completely agree. I think you make a good point esp with the examples found through Paul… there is ultimately an importance to exercise good wisdom and discernment on these matters and I see that both options are important. Perhaps saying we have to go one direction of constant attempts… is too much of a push in one direction… but I do agree that we are shown examples of giving space and distance. This may not be the reconciliation we hope for, but is best with the given circumstances.. and perhaps the wisest path to take. Fortunately, people make their choices and though as much as it pains us, sometimes they are best left apart from us. Fortunately, we can still love them and pray for them. 🙂
Very true!